My life has felt stuck for many months. This second year of loss has been, in ways, more challenging than the first. You can excuse a lot about what you’re doing, or not doing, that first year. But right now I’m tired of being in limbo, yet finding it really hard to break out.
One difficulty stems from having too much open time. It’s so easy to put off errands and exercise and writing. And without exercise or writing, I sleep poorly.
In an earlier blog, I mentioned reading a book about psychotherapy which made clear to me that change has its own process. So when I got back to revising a verse novel (languishing for three years), in which my heroine spends three years in a tower while her father’s endless battles finally come to a tragic finish. During her long isolation, she must learn to know herself.
I looked online for a list of steps necessary for bringing about change, wondering if I could apply it to the manuscript, and then couldn’t help but compare those steps to myself. Here’s an example of how they might work over the course of time (weeks in this case):
Precontemplation: Hmm, the desert willows are dropping their dried up blossoms all over the driveway.
Contemplation: Oh, look how they’ve piled up by the back door. The door mat is full of them.
Preparation: That mess really ought to be cleaned up. (I should put it on a list).
Action: I’ve got to leave at 10:00 am. There’s time right now. I’m going to sweep up this mess.
I’m finding that taking action works best when combined with a deadline or a second errand. Last week, realizing that I needed to go to the grocery story, I had an aha moment. The gym was nearby. I could run to the gym (something I’ve put off for months) and then do the groceries.
I was home scarcely an hour later. Friday mornings now have a shape they haven’t had before.
Like going to the gym, I keep thinking about swimming—but the thought of venturing into cold water makes me give up on the idea. I needed to dare myself to do it. I called a friend in my grief group who participates in aquatic exercise. We how have a date to meet at the pool. Meeting a friend to accomplish something is akin to combining errands. I have a timeline to show up. And I’m not about to cancel a commitment to a friend for anything short of dire circumstances.
How about you? Have you executed any changes lately?
Kate Harrington 