I was thinking about Fear this morning. Partly because the heroine (in my current revision work) has to face her fear as she moves into the story’s climax. Partly because I’m discovering that ignoring my own fears stifles creativity.
Too much of this year I spent in the doldrums, unable to move. I overate and watched too many videos with a cloud of not-quite-but-almost depression hanging over my head. The worst part was trying to justify a two-mile walk for morning tea with no projects to work on.
When I decided I had to self-publish three middle grade/tween science fiction novels, I experienced a burst of enthusiasm and energy. That energy led to tackling the work at hand.
But, unsure how to begin a self-publishing project, that idea lapsed into the background. And sure enough, the doldrums returned, bringing all my momentum to a halt.
Self-publishing terrifies me. The biggest part is self-exposure, rather like my first library job. I discovered being professional meant I’d have to make phone calls. Well, I can always quit, I told myself. But I didn’t. It’s the same now. I can always quit. Or—
Or I can stick to my goal, every day reminding myself fear doesn’t have to be in charge.
Sophie is a good role model—up to a point. While my fears are invisible, hers are not.
Some threats, such as a vehicle nearing her spot on the sidewalk, cause her to shy away. Perfectly reasonable reaction. However, if it’s not coming at her, like the noisy trucks currently clearing sewer lines outside the house, she announces loudly that they don’t belong there! Scram!
If a bicycle or skateboard or dog takes her by surprise, she’ll lunge. I doubt if she intends to bite, but she makes clear she wants them to back off. Well, I don’t exactly lunge at my fears, but Sophie’s absolutely correct about facing them head-on.
Sophie’s reluctance/refusal to go out into wind and rain comes closest to my kind of fear. This fall, I made her a coat to provide a little armor against some particularly violent weather.
For me, talking to people in the know provides its own kind of armor. Lois, for instance, tells me launching the first book is the scariest, and after that it gets easy. (I hope so.)
Meanwhile, I’m taking baby steps towards that goal. This lets me set deadlines for other work, knowing I’ll have wind in my sails to carry it through. Staying aware, not letting my fears go underground, can and shall move me forward.
Kate Harrington 